Last week I realized how depressed I was and how depression has been in my life for a very long time. It’s weird how depression works. It works slowly with me. As long as I am alone I am not too bothered.
I just breath, I try to live and I am succeeding.
I try to write and I succeed.
But in my social life… I try to succeed.
Last week it all came together, starting with Lidi’s birthday.
I felt so alienated from my usual cheerful self and I felt so bad about myself. I tried to be funny and I laughed out loud but I felt so sad and cold.
Upon leaving Lidi thanked me for coming and she said how much she had enjoyed my company and I asked her had I behaved terribly? and she said: “No you were so ‘gezellig.’ I am so glad you came”
Wednesday at my swim training, I could not move. I was so tired, I tried and tried but it was as if I was swimming in cotton. I got out and told Coach Cor. Cor was totally relaxed about it.
‘We all have those days, just practice technique.’
That was a great suggestion as he had just taught me how to hold my hands in the water, something that apparently had done wrong for more than 12 (!) years.
So that is what I did. I swam up and down in a lonely lane looking at my hands, trying to understand what Cor had taught me. When swimtraining was over Cor started talking about these lamps. Daylight Power.
People even get depressed he said.
Next morning phonecall with Fred, friend for more than 25 years.
I complain about my condition: I can’t swim, I get nothing done, I don’t seem to wake up, I hate the grey weather. Fred starts talking about the Lamps. Daylight Power. She offers to lend me the money.
Get that book done she says, you will bathe in sunlight and finish your book.
In the afternoon I talk with Rati and tell her about Fred’s idea.
And what Cor said. How Lidi surprised me for thanking me. Rati who had been there said I was so aimable. I just felt strange.
Rati was sweet and wise and said I was sick from lack of sunlight.
These people are my shoten zenjin, the buddhist protectors, my guardian angels.
Every morning I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their protection. They come in many different ways and people.
In buddhisme we don’t believe in complaining. Complaining takes away the benefit.
As I was complaining to my friend Fred, these words were in my head. I didn’t know any other way to express my anguish than to complain.
And now I know how I turned this poison into medicine.
A week later I am sitting in Daylight Power.
I love it already!
to be continued….